Remember when we were all in school, pursing studies, reading books, discussing ideas and all that?

I do, I miss it so much.  I feel so dumb sometimes.  Especially reading things I felt like I understood a year ago that I now scratch my head over.  And when I write.  I try to write in a more down to earth, filled with inflections and even sometimes visceral style but is that simply because I cannot use very many big words?  If so, good excuse, but lame nevertheless.

Sometimes I really miss John.  And that makes me miss Sean.  And the other way around.  Then, in a way Explosions in the Sky put it so apt, all the sudden I miss everyone.

I’ve been thinking hard about grad school lately, and that makes me feel dumb too.  Reading some of the course descriptions and requirements makes me feel very, very unprepared.  I think I want to do something in Cultural studies as it relates to sub-culture and punk/hardcore/metalcore music.  Kind of that progression of 20 or 30 years.  But I’ve read maybe three books on culture of any type be it mass, pop, sub, whatever.  Am I prepared for grad school?

Other times I think I only want to pursue that avenue because my friends are, and I want the prestige of having a masters degree.  To one up my parents (not for pride of being the first to do so but also for that reason.  If that makes sense or works somehow.)  I do see myself teaching someday.  But I still don’t know if that’s where I need to go right now.

I also want to get back into recording.  I need money to buy equipment to simply start doing it again.  I have bills, and debt, and it all takes such a long time to save (welcome to life, Chase!)  Builds to frustration so often.  And I kind of hate my job sometimes.  I mostly don’t like it because it isn’t beneficial to anyone, doesn’t matter, and isn’t what I was created to do.  But I’m working on being content and happy no matter the circumstance and that has actually been a really good thing.

I’m jealous too.  Of Ian, and Matt, and Justin, and Joe Bubenik here, and of Ian McDermott and all you other people who are married or about to be ’cause every day I want that more and more.  Caitlin and I have a good idea, nearly a plan to make it all work, but it’s all dependent and is hinged to circumstance and choices.  All of which take time, and I’ve been trying to patient for so long.

This “graduate and move away from those you love” is lame.  We need to make the commune work.  I miss those I love very much.  To see you, and hug you, and laugh all together.  I’m glad a lot of talk often.  We need that more than we think we do.

Track 3 on (  )  is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard in my life.  God is telling me to be patient still.