also, i have a protected post.  so friends, go read it, laugh, and comment.  it’s quite the funny story.

and lastly, this Holler, Wild Rose is quite good.  One of the first band’s compared to Radiohead that I actually see, and agree with.  JB, MCGood, that should be enough reason for you to check them out.  They’re an iTunes NPR download from Second Stage, subscribe, download, enjoy.

* I can’t be perfect.  I want to say “I can’t be perfect all the time” but that isn’t really the case at all.  I’ve never been perfect, and I don’t expect that of myself.  So, please don’t expect me to be that either.  Understand that perhaps there are things going on inside my heart and mind that are quite effecting how I respond to you, and it’s not to be taken personal (it’s not an excuse either, but rather an explanation.)

* In reality I still don’t love people nearly as much as my mind, my beliefs and my heart says I should. I can see this as a problem and it’s been on my mind lately.  I mean, I still take so much pride in the thought that I know so much more than some other people.  Regardless of its truth value, it’s a terrible thing to think about people and I’m trying to recognize that and change.  I see so clearly in theory how much people need to see and hear, feel and experience love expressed to them and I want to walk up to everyone and both see for myself and be able to express to them how they are beautiful.  I want to love people as Christ did, but I’m still having a very difficult time making the transition from theory to practice.  It still feels so unnatural to me, I still doubt myself and expect people to respond with disdain or at least they’d be uncomfortable if I was hugging on them or telling them they’re beautiful.  And I hate that.  I hate holding it in.  I hate not running out to the people I love and telling them I love them, holding them, cuddling or whatever.
I can see why some people have such a hard time doing this with their family and to me this seems like the most backward thing ever.  I love my parents, and I love my sisters, but I don’t express it like I want to.  And I’m not really sure why.  I want to be real with them, but they for the most part, since they don’t deal with me from day to day, have to get to know me a bit all over again every time I come home.  It’s the same for me with them, but I think this is forgotten.  I’m a different person than I was 4 years ago, 2 years ago, or ever since this summer.  I think differently, I find other things funny, my sense of humor has changed and I do and say things I wouldn’t of back in those times.
Regardless, I keep my mouth shut when it comes time to say the stuff that matters and the stuff that matters should be what comes out first, before I start picking on the words my sisters say sometimes (which goes along with my sense of humor).  I don’t always think of these things, and I wish that it would be brought to my attention instead of finding out later on.  Oh well.

* I feel strongly about a good many things, but I often do nothing about it. That is kind of a culmination of the previous thought too, I guess.  Sort of.  It goes beyond just loving people into the few political beliefs I have, and that of the objectification of women and other things.  I care about these things, but not enough to stop perpetuating the system.  I often chalk it up to being busy with school, 3 jobs, and a band, which is true.  But I still don’t do little things.  Anyway, hopefully thought on this translate into action so I don’t continue as person who lives entirely in my mind.

Well, there you have it.

This week’s Papyrus article.

Lately I’ve been really lonely.

This time last year I had been broken up with my girlfriend of 3 years for about a month, and I was having a really hard time. Since then, her and I got back together briefly in January, and I had another girlfriend for about a month over the summer. That’s been the extent of it and from time to time, mostly in the evenings during my long drives home from Saint Louis (which is a bi-weekly occurrence), that fact worries me.

It worries me because I have such high standards, and it seems like finding someone who meets those standards and loves me too is a very unlikely situation. So, I listen to Eisley or Björk and realize those woman are out their somewhere and I just have to find them.

In the meantime, the women I do meet are sized up and down as to whether or not they can be considered a “potential.” It’s like a giant checklist of all the females I know and if I meet someone who is not a quick check in the yes or no column, the thought that “maybe” they’ll be someone worth pursuing consumes my mind until the answer is figured out; it’s nearly always a no.

This frustrates me to no end. Instead of normal human interaction between two people, it is analyzation on my part. I want things to be simple, and natural, but this male-female business is like higher level math to me. All the while, I feel lonely.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m so busy most of the time that I don’t always feel lonely, which is good. And being around my friends helps remove the thought of being single as well. But neither of these two are enough to remove it. While both help numb the feelings for a while, they always come back.

I’m not entirely sure what the answer is to this except get a girlfriend, or get a grip. But I was thinking about loneliness and about how I interact with my friends; particularly how I show them that I love them. It hit me. While this may not be the be all, end all solution to the matter, I think sometimes we want to feel the love of others and of a romantic other so much that we neglect our call to love people as Christ did.

I don’t think there has been a more lonely and more misunderstood person in history other than Christ. The only oneness he ever experienced was with His Father in prayer. Even his closest friends had no idea what he was talking about most of the time, and in the end everyone turned their back on him yet he loved them regardless.

How often do I sit and sulk wanting to feel love when my roommate, or my friend across the room, or my classmate, or the stranger on the street needs to feel love from me or, for that matter, from anyone? This love can be expressed in so many ways by word and deed that I’m left without excuse. If I choose not to love I should not be so expectant of it returned.

So, I’m still single. I’ll still feel a little lonely from time to time I imagine. But by loving others I’ll get by and perhaps get some love back.

The Compassion of Christ

Luke 19:41 “As he came near and saw the city [of Jerusalem,] he wept over it…”

Why does Jesus weep over the city of Jerusalem?  Is it because he knows he is about to suffer and die there?  What about in the garden of Gethsemane when Christ asks the Father to “remove this cup from me”?  Who really wants to die anyway?
Is it because the city (and on the larger scale, the nation of Israel) is under the oppressive control of the Roman Empire?  Consider the Temple.  The symbol of both political and spiritual freedom to the Israelites is restrained by watch and guard of uncircumcised Roman soldiers and officials.  Worship of the God who led the people out of slavery in Egypt is juxtaposed with the tyranny of a godless nation.
Is it because of the great evil and unbridled sin of the people?  “Repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand!”  Turn from your evil ways you godless and disgusting people for how could God associate with that which is unclean?  Why was the law so rigid and unwavering if God did not intend us to be perfect?  What causes Jesus more pain then the people rejecting his Father?

Matthew 9:36 “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them…”

Christ weeps because of his compassion.  Often, as Christians, I think we miss the point.  Christ does not weep for any reason other than the fact that the people of Israel were not aware of the great love that God was offering them.  Sin does not affect Christ like we think it does, in fact I don’t think he cares about sin even in a miniscule amount.
God does not hate us because our actions are composed of sin.  2 Corinthians 5:21 talks about how Christ was made sin for us so we do not have to be.  God does not stand afar off point His finger and say “How terrible you are!”  God made himself in human form to suffer and die on the cross for our sins so we would not have to suffer under the burden of sin.  He came to give us the ability to overcome for no other reason than He wants us to experience his great love.  What is this?  Who is this God who is all-sufficient in Himself and does not need us but would still send His Son to die to save us just so we can have communion with Him?
How often do we fall and get lost in the guilt?  I was talking to a friend the other day who was telling about his struggle that morning. Part of him felt that he had to pray and sing worship songs to, in some small way, “make up for” his sin.  It is easy to scoff at this as being unreasonable, but how often is that true in our lives?
Isn’t everyone afflicted with the disease of being sub-human, with being less than God originally created us?  Who here doesn’t have that one deep, dark secret sin that we cannot tell anyone about for fear of being exposed for the frauds that we are?  I have struggled with pornography and masturbation for seven years and what I’ve come to realize is this: so does everyone else.  While the details of the sin may be different the point is everyone has this fantastic sin that we seem to believe no one else could possibly understand and if they found out we had that struggle they would be appalled and disgusted at our wickedness like we were covered in excrement and foaming at the mouth.
How many great sinners were powerful men of God?  David is called the man after God’s own heart.  This man committed lust, murder and adultery all in a three day period.  Abraham was a liar, Paul was a murderer, Moses was disobedient, Brennan Manning was an alcoholic and Rich Mullins was too.  How many of us here are great sinners as well that are too fearful to broadcast it from the mountaintop to become great men and woman of God?
Don’t hide yourselves from the people here in this community.  Don’t keep in darkness that which has to be exposed in the light.  Talk to anyone and everyone you can.  RC’s, CRE’s, Professors, the campus counselors, Dean Hall, President Mannioa, your roommate and your best friends.
Christ looks upon the woman caught in adultery and says “Woman, where are your accusers?  Is there no one to condemn you?”  She responds “No one, sir.”  “Than neither do I condemn you.  Go and sin no more.”  Christ does not condemn this woman so neither can we, which means we have to love each other like Christ loved that woman.

2 Corinthians 5:21 “For he made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we may become the righteousness of God in Him.”

“The Christian with depth is the person who has failed and who has learned to live with his failure.”

How have I failed?  In what areas to I habitually fail?  God, forgive me for these failures.
a)  I fail with my eyes.
b)  I fail with my pride.
c)  I especially fail to love people.

I’m beginning to become afraid that I am going to fail in so many situations.  God, give me your spirit of peace.  Draw my eyes to you and let nothing else stand in your way.  Help me to be a man after your heart for my desires is to be one with you and not to be trapped under my human attempts to be obediant.  I desire to please you more than to please the law.  In that I give you myself, the failure.

not how i sin

because if my heart is right in the two above the one below doesn’t exist.

now, where am i in those two respects should be what i think about at all times.