We will return to your regularly scheduled programming after the following announcement:
I have asked that we interrupt your program for this most important announcement. We have reasons to believe that we have found a new, life-threatening disease. The cause for this disease is still unknown at this point, but scientists are placing all other research on the shelf as of the moment in a combined effort to find the cause. While it is not all together new, we have only recently discovered the extent of its seriousness. The strangest part about it is we are not sure how it is contracted. It doesn't seem to have a beginning. The ailment appears to contaminate a person from the inside out, and has even been seen in the youngest infants. You may be infected with it right now. Please do not be alarmed. We have found a cure, and have begun testing. The malady cannot be transferred by touch, or even sexual intercourse as far as we can tell. If you do not have it, you never can have it. If you have contracted it, and have purged yourself of it by some means, you cannot be re-infected. Finally, you cannot transfer it to another person if you are in fact infected. The affliction seems to have rooted itself deeper into your body then just the physical, and contaminates everything including how you act, speak, and even think. Now for the bad news, its degenerative. You slowly die more and more the longer you are corrupted. So it can potentially shorten your life span dramatically. We have found a few cases where people are totally unaffected by the disease, and also have found a means to cure some cases. We have discovered a treatment where you take a plasma sample from an uninfected person and insert it into an infected persons blood. But even after that, if the infected persons body does not respond to the transfusion, they cannot be cleansed. We do not know how people have been unaffected by this mysterious disease. But without their co-operation, no one can be saved. After an accepted transfusion a persons body must be thoroughly cleansed with water to wash off all the impurities in the blood, and even after that side effects of the disease could potentially last the rest of the persons life, but are much, much lower than the opposite. One thing about the transfusion, that is true about all blood, is that it does not become alive until it reaches the heart and is oxygenated. Then do the symptoms desist. Lastly, I want to tell you the symptoms of the disease because they are the most alarming. More than 95% of Americans display these symptoms, and if you are one of them I implore you to go to your local hospital and request a blood transfusion. The symptoms are: Pride and vanity, envy, greediness, anger and wrath, gluttony, lustfulness, and slothfulness. Only through the transfusion of pure blood can you be rid of the disease. Thank you for your time.
We will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.