What to Do

What do you do when you have no idea what to do?
Why is this happening?
I really don't understand this at all.
Maybe it's my mistakes.
They're catching up with me.
I feel like the line in Dark Cold Sound
“Coming after me…”
I hope it's you coming after me because I don't want anyone else
I fought with you over this for so long
I was resolute not to screw it up.
Have I? If so, then how?
What can I do to change it, God?
What's going on here?
Why is this so wrong?
Why are things so wrong?
Why are you still so freaking far away from me?
Again, is it my mistakes?
Am I holding back?
Am I being dishonest?
I know you understand me, please show me you understand me.
Help me to be understanding.
Of You
Of her
Help her to be understanding…
More so help me be understanding of her.
Maybe repetition really works.
As long as it's sincere.
But I am nothing but sincerity right now.
I'm still holding back, I think.
No more.
I can't hold back from you, God.
What can I hold back from you?
Keep silent about.
Protect for myself.
I'd be the biggest fool in the world if I thought I could hide behind a bush from you.
But now I want to dig a whole and weep.
For my sins
My transgressions
If this isn't being real with you then show me what is!
I'm desperate for honesty with you
I'd rather you kill me now then let me live a lie
Is it my life that is in the way?
Is it my heart that is the roadblock here?
I have never felt smaller in my life
Have I been a prideful man?
Have the thing I have clung to so tightly been the opposite?
Are you in the process of humbling me?
Because if you are just waiting for me to recognize that here I am front and center on my knees begging you…
I'm begging you…
To not take away what I hold so dearly to bring me to the place you want me
Nevertheless it's not about me or my wants/”needs”/desires.
It's you, and only you.
I give it up God. I've given up.
I'm through with trying.
I hate this feeling in my stomach. I absolutely hate feeling this way.
You have given me your mourning over sin, now please give me your joy.
Like I've been reborn.
How I want to be happy again
How I can be such a baby. You've made me so emotional, and here I am…..
Inexpressive, yet full of things to say to you.
Why is it I am so silent when I am content?
That I only come to you only in sadness, anger, or any “negative” emotional state of mind.
I hate this fakeness on my part.
I hate this unfaithfulness on my part.
It's autumn, and I am a discolored and frail leaf wafting in the wind of a hurricane God.
How you could crush me. And yet you hold me in the palm of your hand, and still silently whisper that you love me, are going to take care of me, and you promise to show me where it is I'm going.
God, where am I going?


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