I Have No Desire To Wake Tomorrow Morning

God, what is the deal?
What is going on inside of me?
Why is it that I go to bed so unhappy every night?
Why am I always so distracted when I'm thinking about you?
Why are you so far away when I try to talk to you?
Why do I care so much about what other people think of me?
Why do I think myself so much more intelligent then everyone else?
God, I need your compassion.
I need you to love me so I can love others.
I know you do, God. But I just do not feel it.
I know it is supposed to be more than just a feeling but I need it so bad right now.
God, I haven't ever been this depressed in my life.
I don't have any reason to be so.
So many things have you blessed me with and here I am wallowing in my own self-pity.
But is it so wrong to want to feel some love every once in a while?
Is it wrong for me to want your presence closer than my skin?
God, you know what this is about.
I don't know what's wrong with us God, but we feel so far apart.
We don't have anything in common.
No similar interests. No things we both enjoy doing. No friends we can hang out with together.
I don't know if she doesn't like to kiss me anymore or what it is but I miss it so much.
Maybe it's because part of the way I defined your love of me was through her love of me?
And the “sign” of that love was that kiss… or that touch.
I so desire acceptance from people.
Why can't I be content with only your acceptance?
Why is it I'm not satisfied with you…
It's not like life is this great alternative.
Everything is so tasteless, cold and empty without you
I have so many problems, and things I'm afraid of.
Like not having a job.
Not being able to support myself much less her.
Money is my biggest fear.
Next to having it and failing.
Failing at my marriage or with my children.
Or both.
Am I just a worry-wart?
Whatever I am I'm tired of it.
I'm empty inside and I need you to fill me up again.
I know I've pushed you out many times before.
But please take back this whore, and love me once again.


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