i miss you so much today

i miss you so much today
and not for the simple, obvious reasons
not just because i want to be with you
physically
emotionally
not just your touch
not just a connection on an intellectual level
but wholly; with my entire being
this weekend has been a sorry one
full of self-pity, with a runny nose on the inside
i miss you so much today
i want to know that everything's gonna be alright
that my hopes and dreams will be confirmed
that i won't be a failure
that God is real and i can understand him
i think if i knew that then i wouldn't have to worry
if i knew that we'll work out i wouldn't have to worry
same with my future
but i guess, just like with each change of paradigm bringing a new set of unanswerable questions, that with each worry surpassed a new one arises
…will i be a good father?
…what if i lose my job?
…what if God really was untrustworthy to begin with?
can i ever stop worrying?
is the solution really resolution or a change in thinking?
God help me to trust you and to love these challenges and this stretching

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